It's not the end

Sometimes married couples face challenges, and one of the most delicate issues that can arise is a lack of sex in a marriage. This can make both partners feel sad and lonely.

But it's normal for intimacy to drop sometimes. You can bring back the closeness and love if you work on it. Here are some tips to help you in a marriage without intimacy.

Understanding the Science Behind Sexless Marriages

Hormonal Changes

Hormones are like the behind-the-scenes conductors of your body's orchestra. They can influence everything from your mood to your metabolism, and yes, even your libido. When it comes to intimacy in a relationship, they can have a profound impact.

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, stress can throw these hormonal maestros off balance. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, can interfere with the production of sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen, dampening your sexual desire. This hormonal rollercoaster can affect both men and women, leading to fluctuations in sexual drive.

As we age, our hormonal composition undergoes changes as well. The gradual decline in various hormones, such as testosterone in men and estrogen in women, can influence sexual function and desire.

Hormonal imbalances, whether due to natural variations, medical conditions, or medications, can also disrupt the delicate harmony of your body's hormonal symphony. Conditions like thyroid disorders, PCOS, or diabetes can impact hormone levels, affecting sexual function and intimacy.

By addressing underlying hormonal imbalances, you can work towards restoring balance and reigniting the passion in your relationship. Remember, your body is a complex and interconnected system, and sometimes a little hormonal fine-tuning can make all the difference in rekindling the spark in your marriage.

Neurochemistry of Intimacy

The brain releases neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin during intimate moments.

Imagine dopamine orchestrating feelings of pleasure and excitement. Oxytocin weaving bonds of trust and closeness. Serotonin serenading you with feelings of happiness.

But what happens when this harmonious orchestra goes off-key? Stress can throw a discord into the mix.

When you feel sad or your relationship is not satisfying, it can upset the balance of chemicals in your brain that control how you feel. This imbalance can make it harder to feel intimate with your partner, like a dance that's lost its rhythm.

By understanding the nuances of these neurotransmitters, you can better understand your struggles and work towards restoring harmony in your relationship.

Psychological Factors

Past traumas, such as experiences of abuse, neglect, or other significant emotional wounds, can create barriers to intimacy. When you carry past emotional pain, it can make you hesitant to get close to your partner in personal or vulnerable ways.

Similarly, ongoing conflicts and communication barriers can weaken the trust and closeness needed for great sex life. When you don't communicate effectively, feel misunderstood, or have needs that aren't met, it can create distance between you two, making it hard to be emotionally close.

Getting help through therapy and talking openly can help bring back that closeness between you and your partner.

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Relationship Dynamics

The quality of communication, trust, and emotional connection between partners is very important.

Relationship issues, such as lack of emotional intimacy, resentment, or mismatched expectations, can contribute to a decline in sexual desire and frequency. Working on improving the emotional bond can help reignite passion in a sexless marriage.

Physical Health

Your physical health affects how you feel and enjoy sex with your partner. Various physical conditions like chronic pain, fatigue, obesity, and the side effects of certain medications can lower your interest in sex or make it harder to enjoy.

If you eat well, stay active, and take care of health issues, it can make you feel better and improve your sex life. 

How to restore your sex life?

The cornerstone of any successful relationship is communication

It's essential to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings, concerns, and desires openly and without judgment. Discussing the reasons behind the lack of intimacy can help identify underlying issues that may be contributing to the situation.

For example, some couples want to have sex at different frequencies. One partner may want to have sex every day while the other prefers it less frequently. To handle this, talking openly about each other's needs and finding ways to compromise is important.

Try to rediscover romance

When things start feeling a bit dull in your relationship, try these fun ideas to make it exciting again:

• Go out for a special evening together - maybe dinner, a movie, or a walk in the park. Just enjoy each other's company without any distractions.
• Leave a sweet note, cook a favorite meal, or get a small gift just to show you care.
• Don't forget physical touch. Hug more, hold hands, kiss, and cuddle. It can bring you closer.

• Find activities you both like, like cooking together, hiking, dancing, or watching a show. Shared hobbies create bonds.

Small acts of love and appreciation can go a long way in rekindling the spark.

Sex is about emotional connection as well

Good sex goes beyond physical closeness. To make your connection stronger, you need to work on your emotional bond as well. It can make your physical relationship even better.

• Sit down with your partner and talk about your day, your dreams, fears, or things that make you happy. Share your thoughts and listen actively to theirs. 
• Plan activities that you both enjoy, whether it's cooking a meal together, going for a walk, watching a movie, or pursuing a hobby. Spending quality time doing things as a couple strengthens your bond and creates shared memories.
• Small acts of kindness can go a long way. Surprise your partner with breakfast in bed, leave them a sweet note, or offer help. These gestures show your love and care.

Non-sexual exercises can work wonders

Sensate focus exercises are a non-sexual way to reconnect with your partner through touch. By focusing on sensations and pleasure without the pressure of performance, you can gradually reignite the physical connection.

Here is what you can try:

• Spend time touching each other's skin softly without any sexual intentions, just to feel comfortable and close.
• Use simple activities like giving each other hand massages or back rubs to enjoy the pleasure of touch without the need for sex.
• Pay attention to how different touches feel without thinking about sex; this can help you both get more comfortable with each other physically.

• Take a warm bath or shower together and enjoy the sensation of water and touch.

Focus on self-care and nurture your well-being

When you feel good about yourself, you are better equipped to engage in a fulfilling and intimate relationship with your partner.  Take a warm bath, read a book, or do activities that help you de-stress and feel better.

It's important to set realistic expectations and understand that rebuilding intimacy takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate through this journey together. Celebrate small victories and milestones along the way.

Remember that every relationship is unique, and the journey towards revitalizing intimacy will be different for each couple. Stay committed, stay connected, and remember that revitalizing passion is a journey worth taking together.

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About the author

Charlotte Cambell
Sex and relationship coach who works with people dealing with issues of sexual trauma and sexual disorders.